Faux Fuck Buddy Needed
Date: 2004-12-14, 9:45PM PST
I need a faux fuck buddy. Help me exact my revenge on my loud-sex-having-yet-sharing-a-common-wall roommates. I’d kick their asses, but well, I’m small and more importantly I need their rent money. I believe this is how Mahatma Ghandi got started.
Anyway, last night was typical of the past few weeks…was awoken around 1:00 a.m. (I get up at 6) by the sound of what, in my half asleep state, sounded like some sort of bomb about to go off in my closet. Not long after this split second of subliminally injected Code Orange Terror (and I’m politically somewhere left of a bed wetting liberal—thanks G.W.) I realized that some serious primal fucking was going on. I also realized that the most exciting thing going on in my room was that I finally got a space heater—sweet! But definitely not sexy.
When they were finally finished they turned on their television which happened to be airing a WWII documentary. I never ever thought the sounds of a country being decimated by bombing and heavy artillery shelling would be soothing music to my ears, but at least I did not have to listen to Churchill yelling, “Oh yeah, oh baby, look at you now!” I finally fell asleep somewhere around V-E Day.
So, I need someone, male or female, to come hang out with me in my room and simulate the sound of two people having wild sex. This does not have to be constant, after all I’m aiming for something realistic, so in between our bouts of faux fucking we can watch a movie, have a beer, do each others nails and warm ourselves by the space heater.
me - 5’3”, 110 lbs, brown/blue/yellow(ear plugs).